Contentment

Wow. I have been feeling so good lately. No major mood swings, no complete and utter exhaustion (tired still yes, but not exhausted). I haven't been feeling super stressed and overwhelmed. Happy. I think I have actually been happy.  I don't mean happy like "Oh, I just a really awesome pair of shoes happy," but the type of happy where you feel all is right in the world.

I haven't felt like that in years. That's pretty sad, don't you think? I mean I've been happy, nothing major going wrong, everything moving in the right direction as a whole. But I haven't been at peace. Writing that makes me feel sad.

I mean, why should I go through years, just going forward. I am young still. I should embrace my life with abandonment? Not quite the right word, but close enough. I should feel content more than not.  And I haven't been.

I have a lot to be happy about, my kids are healthy, I have a good job, good friends, wonder family, the best husband. So why haven't I been feeling it?

My hypothesis, and it is only a hypothesis, is my hormone have been out of whack (a truly technical description) since I had Aidan. And no, I am not blaming him for any of my thoughts or feelings. I'm about to get a bit personal here, so if you don't wanna hear it, then stop reading now.

Here's how I came to that thought: My cycles have not been regular since I had Aidan. And I could set my watch by them before. I know I have always had mood swings, but I have gone to the extremes since giving birth. My internal thermometer has not been working right, in fact I wake up sweating, while Ryan has his head buried under the blankets. (Some of the old ladies at work, keep asking if I am old enough to go through "the change").  There are some other, more personal items, I will not discuss here.

I go see my Women's health doctor Friday for a follow up. I am apprehensive, but hopeful she can help me find the answers. On the plus side, I am still content.

Homesick for weather?

For a moment I was transported back to Oklahoma. It's April, low 80s, and a thunderstorm rolling in. I literally watched the clouds form, and the sky go from brilliant blue to gray. The wind whipping the trees, leaves swirling in a cyclone. The rain beating against the windows, the lights flickering as the thunder booms and lightening flashes. Oh, Oklahoma! How I miss your turbulence.

It was over in less than 30 minutes. The bring Candace back to reality. In Oklahoma, it could go on for hours. I could stop anything, and watch the storm for hours (secretly hoping to spot a wall cloud). Not in Oregon. There are not enough thunderstorms here. There just aren't. I don't care what you say, the beauty of the storm is the violence, the unpredictably. The house shaking, the sky darkening the brilliant white of a nearby lightening strike. Mother nature with all her fury and vengeance.

Storms in Oregon are predictable. Steady rain, gray sky, cold air.  Maybe it's just my contrary nature, but I thrive on routine, but love the unpredictable.

I hope it storms again.

One year

It's hard to believe that just over a year ago, we loaded a Penske truck and began our journey back to Oregon. We left Oklahoma on April 2, and it was in 80s.... We drove through wind gusts in Kansas that topped 70 MPH, and thought my little Nissan was a vampire, and needed to be stacked with a tumbleweed the size of a Saint Bernard (we spent an extra 2 days in Kansas, getting a new radiator). We drove through snow in Colorado, across Salt Plains in Utah, and down steep mountainsides with no guardrails with a 1000 ft drop (did I mention how curvy that road was?). We arrived in Oregon to freezing temperatures and snow April 8, 2011.

Not necessarily a pleasant trip, but no unpleasant either. We saw some beautiful scenery, although I really wish we could've afforded to stop and take more time.

I started work April 18. And met some wonderful people, coworkers and patients, that have influenced my life for the better. I honestly don't know if I could've made it through everything if not for them.

There has definitely been tons of stress: the move itself, staying with the in-laws for a few months, buying a house, moving (again) into our new house, starting a new job, adjusting to continually changing Medicare regulations, getting the kids settled and into a routine (yea, we are still working on that one...). Now that a year has gone by, hopefully, most of these adjustments are in the final stages.

I get homesick for Oklahoma sometimes, but that will probably always be the case. I miss my family. I worry about my grandparents. I miss the wide open space. I don't miss the blistering cold and ice of the winter or the sweltering heat of the summer.

I love the mountain view out of my front and back doors. The more temperate seasons are a bonus as well. Spending a summer day rafting down the Rogue. Being able to go get a gallon of milk AND return home within 30 minutes (instead of just arriving at the store) sure is nice as well. Sean goes to a good school where he has really blossomed.

It is amazing that so much has changed in such a short period of time.

Spring

I love Spring. It's probably one of my favorite times of year. And to satisfy my need to make a list, in no particular order, here is why:

1. blowing bubbles
2. weeding
3. mowing
4. sidewalk chalk
5. dog walking
6. visits to the parks
7. gardening
8. yard sales
9. barbecues
10. sandals

Yup. I love Spring

How did this happen?

Holy crap! Time has just flown by. For example:

1. My baby sister (almost 11 years younger) will be old enough to legally drink in less than a month. How the heck did that happen?!?
2. My youngest brother in law is graduating high school. He was only slightly older than Sean when Ryan and I got married. Where have I been that he can be old enough for this?
3. Its April of 2012! April... already. I am still writing 2011 on stuff sometimes!
4. I have 2 kids. They are 7 and 3. Almost 8 and 4... There is NO way I am old enough to have kids this age... (I know, I should just wait until they're teenagers....)
5. I have a CAREER.. not just a job

So, I know time is not really going faster than when I was younger. But damn... realizing that so much has happened in what feels like such a minuscule amount of time, makes me feel older than I am.